Word of the day: Tact

Tact: (noun) adroitness and sensitivity in dealing with others or with difficult issues.
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I felt like crying on the way home. Instead I chained smoked.

My boss made a comment/joke about me that didn't sit well me with at all..the type of comment that I've been trying to avoid for..forever.I think it's because I'm PMSing otherwise, I would brush it off like I normally do. His comment was in response and an interruption to a conversation I was having with another consultant. We were talking about my plans after I graduate and how I feel as lost as I did when I started the degree. I told her that I'm struggling between wanting to pursue a career I've been working for for the past 2 years or settle with this job that is a "sure" thing and would bring me financial security. My manager chimes in and says "I doubt you will ever have to worry about financial security.."(something along those lines) and starts to laugh. I know what he's implying and he implies it pretty often. Christ, I'm so angry at that comment as I write it I can barely breath. Fuck these hormones really know how to plate your insecurities and throw them right at you like a pie to the face..

Don't get me wrong. My boss is a good man and one that I've come to respect for his hard work, but he is lacking tact. Instead of putting me down and joking, he needs to take the opportunity and advantage of having me in his office. I'm not trying to say I'm hot shit, but I am trying to say, due to the circumstances and what will be expected of me, he should put in his input with me before I go any higher in the company. He must know I'm being groomed. He isn't stupid. Corporate and its properties are so far removed from each other. I am his bridge! Why not work with me? Show me why I should give to two shits about what he does and what the company does.

I butted heads with my father growing up and all throughout college and after..always about the same thing. I knew what he was after. I knew he wanted me to work with him. I knew he wanted me to go to the best school and study business because business is the only thing in life where you can make money. I was young and obviously had my own ideas for what I wanted. I naively studied art. I don't regret it at all. I loved it. I miss it, but it just made me even more lost with how to continue in life. I turned to finding something that would not only make money at the time but keep me so busy that I'd forget why I was just floating after college. What better job to forget everything for hours on end than serving/bartending? What better job to make you so tired after a shift and leave no room for plans and to avoid the future than serving/bartending?

When I thought I found something I'd be good at, I found the courage and the motivation to go back to school for another degree. I think my father agreeing to me going back to school and funding it was a total and complete tease. He liked the idea of me getting another degree instead of just bartending. I think he was/is paying for the embarrassment I may have brought to him by my bartending the last 3 years.. Now that I'm finishing my degree, he's perfectly happy and stern about my not pursuing it and staying in his company. This isn't a complaint just fact.

I hid that I was a server when I graduated college the first time around for 6 months. By the time he knew, I was already on my second serving job. I hid it because I knew it would disappoint him after sending me to such a good school. I don't regret my time in the service industry at all...if anything, I feel more of a slave to my customers, rather residents, now than I did wiping food off their plate as they left the bar.

I don't know what I'm trying to say, but every time I hear a comment that slightly suggests that I'm a spoon-fed, trust fund, spoiled, etc child...I..think of the hours I put in the last 6 years of my life sweeping floors, scraping food, wiping tables, dealing with assholes, never sleeping, never eating, and trying to be the best at my position for tips....and knowing that people will still consider me to be spoiled and lazy. Well, saying it hurts is an understatement.

I am so grateful for what I've been given and I know I may not say it every day, but I thank God for everything I've been given and the opportunities that I have and I'm tired of people thinking that what I've done in the last 6 years working as as a server or bartender was a waste of time. I learned so much about myself and who I want to be as a person.


I'm spent.